You say "tomato," I say "feh!"

Meet my friends, Sad and Sadder:

People, this is my entire tomato crop. Three -- count 'em, three -- tomatoes. What the hell happened here?!?

Please don't tell me that I haven't watered enough. Usually I would be agreeing with you (I'm not so good with the remembering to water . . .). But I've been gone so much this summer that the fabulous neighbors have used my hose more than I have (that sounds dirty, but whatever).

I would suspect an evil tomato competition-type plot, but a) the fabulous neighbors have too much real stuff to do, and b) my hydrangeas are lovely -- so watering is not the issue.

What gives?!

Pathetic, isn't it, that because I've been gone all summer, my yard is more lush and green than ever before (tomatoes aside, obviously). Fabulous neighbors, I'm telling you.