Hell Cat

Here is a snapshot of our cat, Jake -- or as we like to call him, Satan. Jake is a newcomer to our family of elderly lady cats, and they are not enamored of him. I think a better way of saying this would be: they hate him. This is not difficult to understand. Here are some absolutely true stories about this evil hellcat lovable scamp:

1. A fox roamed our wooded neighborhood last summer, and Jake's favorite game was to stand on top of a fence or car and taunt the fox -- kind of a "nyah-nyah, you can't catch me" type deal. Cats really can do this. Truly. The fox (a carnivore, let me note) would be just spitting with rage, and of course would chase Jake all over the neighborhood on a regular basis. Inevitably, the ballsy cat would end up banging with his kitty fist on our bedroom window -- "Let me in! Let me in! Let me in!" You think I'm kidding, but if a big-assed fox was chasing you, you'd bang on every window you found, wouldn't you? And I say ballsy in the sense that this cat has the biggest cojones of any neutered creature I've ever met.

2. Jake is the Ted Bundy of bird-killers; I'm sorry to be so graphic, but the fabulous neighbors will back me up. He's not so much about the "hunter-provider" gig, and turns out to be all about the "play with it until it dies, then walk away"-type arrangement. This is not endearing.

3. Complete tangent, but Jake's two sisters live next door with the fabulous neighbors, and while they are not evil in the Beelzebub sense, they are crazier than junebugs (the cats, not the neighbors). One is a calico, so you know she's nuts, and she wears way too much eye-liner. She's Tammy Faye, obviously.

The other one had no chance at sanity, since a two-year-old named her Cookie Dough. She's Jake's twin, but I ask you -- does this look like the picture of evil to you?

4. Here's a partial list of the items Jake has tried to kill:
  • a flip-flop
  • a hair doodad
  • both elderly lady cats, each of whom can take him down without mussing her hairdo
  • a beam from a laser pointer (yards and yards of fun for the urchins)
  • random human feet, obviously
  • his own personal cat food dish

It would be so nice to wrap up by telling you that I'm just joshin' ya -- that he really is the cutest little kitty-cat. It would be a lie, though.

Image credits:
Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Jeff Dunham/Comedy Central
Red Fox (
vulpes vulpes): Allison Bailey
Tammy Faye Bakker: Joei Regan